Voices from deep down of your thick skull.

Music is beautiful...
Music is an art...



There are many ways how to define music. Well from my point of view, I could not find any proper word to describe about my enthusiasm in music. They're somehow... addicting, but my interest in certain genre of music won't last that long. My ears would get bored listening to the same kind of music eventually.

So, this is the lucky band that I would pick for now. I doubt you guys would say "ZOMG I really love this song", or "Yay another song that I would upload in my Ipod" etc. Mostly because when it comes to giving this band a score, people who dislike this kind of genre would probably give zero for their appearance, vocals, and the music itself. I won't give the band a perfect score either, since there are lots of other good bands out there.

Here are some information about the band:

Phantasmagoria
Origin: Osaka, Japan
Genre: Visual Kei
Labels: Under Code Production
Associated Act: Chariots, Attic
Members: Riku(vocal), Jun(guitarist), Iori(guitarist), Kisaki(bass), Matoi(drums)

And here is the PV that I would like to share with you readers.
Warning: Get ready to get some serious, major headache, dizziness, nausea etc.


p/s: This post has been edited, I replaced the old video with a new one.

What am I?

I am worthless.
I am not worthy of having anyone.
I am not wanted by anything or anyone.
I am alone.
People treat me like ****, they take what they want from me and go- "sorry I have to go, sorry I have to meet someone". But it all boils down to the fact that people are leaving, and not returning. So i sit here, alone. Alone I sit, once again. One single stray emotion on this lonely night opens the flood gates as this tidal waves of pleading tears flow from these orbs. Inevitable silence rings off these solitary walls. The gentle whisper of tears hitting the floor beneath me is the only sound, except for the ringing of your voice in my head which is my only comfort, and my biggest fear. Watching all the happy moments abandon me like every human has done. Nobody wants me in their life, they don't care about me.
I am not wanted.
I am not needed.
I am used.
I am hated.
But most of all, I am alone.


I am ugly.
I am not good looking.
I am not happy.
I am cruel.
I am lost and cold, forsaken.
I am piece of worthless ****.
Nobody wants or needs to be with or around me in their life for I don't provide enough.
I am not good friend.
I am not a good person.
I am not a good boyfriend.
I am a moron.
I am a child.
I am lost and tired.
I am drained and abandoned.
I am not anyone's dream, fantasy, or lover.
I would not make a good spouse, I would not make a good friend.
I am sincere.


I am a burden.






... I started this at midnight, with cigarette smoke choking my skin and the outside air clogging out my cold lungs.
The damp floor stole my seat, so I just stood in the dark looking up.
I decided that I write too much, words are slug coloured and pressed inside paper.


It is now 03:46.

Truth to be told...

*cough cough*

Hell last month could probably be the worst month ever; trust me when I mentioned about the word "worst". A lot of things happened, and god some of them really screwed me up.

First, the break up thingy. Honestly, my condition is still far away from uh how should I put this... recovering state? Sad, hopeless, depressed, agony, anger, betrayed, regret- all these mixed up feelings really hit me pretty bad. How long has it already been now, a month? And for how long should I continue on suffering this painful feelings? I have zero idea but seriously I kept thinking about the past. I know I should have let go of the past and starts a new one, but that's not really quite an easy task for me. Sometimes I feel like I'm already tired playing the good-guy-part; I forced myself to remember every single thing even the tiny little mushy stuff, I did all the comforting when actually I was the one who need to be comforted, I kept on apologizing even though it was not actually my fault, I tried to fix things up no matter how difficult it was for me but I refused to give up etc. In other word, I'm tired with all of these. It's like I'm the only one who have to do all the jobs with all my efforts, while the other side uh well I don't know what's the person is actually doing. Sit back, relax and enjoying the show, waiting to be pat on the head? It's not true, right? Wait a minute, that could be true...is it? Seriously I just don't know what to think anymore. What I'm totally 100 percent sure is, I'm tired. People will change, I think I get what it means. But changing for no reason, I think it's load of craps. Well there should be something that motivates you, a reason that makes you decide it's finally time for a change, right? Getting dumped with some silly reasons, totally clueless with what happened, and I was nicely asked to keep all those memories. Oh yeah I'm such a paper bag that when you're already done toying with me you could simply toss me inside the waste basket and recycle me back. Hell no!

Dude chill out you really should let things go, don't you? She dumped you, it's over now. Plus you don't seems to lose anything, if you get what I just said.

Buzz off! I never toy with her heart, not even once. Why do I still care about this? Because for **** sake I'm serious with what I did. Retarded you say? Yeah just call me whatever you want, I don't give a damn care about it. I just don't want her to spoils herself, ended up being like those sluts,whores, bitches out there!

So I guess she still owes me a proper explanation...


Secondly, about my computer. It has been already near 2 weeks, yet until now there's still no call from the shop. I claimed the warranty for my motherboard and processor because both of them are technically down. Again, waiting and waiting. Pathetic! How did I wrote this blog then, you asked? Well I'm using my brother's laptop now, and duh it really feels different. I don't know how should I put this, it just don't feel right. Honestly, I don't like sharing things with other people. But between me and my brother, there's no secret between us. But when it comes to privacy, everyone has their own, that would make me and him on the list too. The same thing when it comes to computer usage. You guys have your own, he has his own, and I have mine. It could be pictures, songs, videos, works, adult stuffs etc. Pervert? No, I'm not. I'm just stating out the fact because I'm normal. And I honestly believe you too, are normal. So if you starting to make a topic like "Euw that's gross", yeah I think I understand that. Wait, I don't. Keep on lying because in the end you just defying yourself. Oh how I miss to play online game, blogging, and chatting with friends so much. There are many upcoming new games next year and all of them looks promising to be try out. Well it depends either it's going to be pay to play, buy to play, or free to play. If it's free, then yep I'm definitely going to play. Well I'm quite addicted with gaming, and I don't see any wrong with that. I'll put some pictures about the game I'm currently playing and the one I'm waiting later on. Lastly, I need to train for an upcoming Defence of the Ancient ( it's DotA, for short) mini tournament next week and I'm struggling to catch up with my friends playing skills. Means that I have to spend more and more cash at the cybercafe, bummer!

Game: Kagero 2; Dark Illusion
Comment: It's not an online game, a PlayStation 2 console game actually. You play as Alicia, a trap mistress. Yes when I said trap, you'll be using traps to kill your opponent. You need to be creative in positioning all those traps in a room (you can only set up max to 3 traps at a time). Certain rooms have their own special traps that you need to trigger it, but beware you could probably be the special traps' victim too! The more combos you make, the more money you'll make from killing. Addicting game, I must say.



Game: Warcraft, Defence of the Ancient (DotA)
Comment: Common game nowadays, I think. I could see almost everyone playing the game at the cyber cafes, well I'm not sure about the girls though.



Game: S4 League
Comment: MMOFPS game, similar to Gunz Online except it's more stylish! And yeah more creative way how to pawn your opponents. Variety of equipments for you to customize your own character, but sad most of them are cash shop items.



Game: League of Legends, Clash of Fates
Comment: From the mastermind of DotA! Beta sign up is in process, a must try for DotA fan. I wonder how the game works actually, zero idea. Could not find any gameplay movie for the game.



Game: Blade and Soul
Comment: The same character designer from the game Magna Carta: Tears of Blood! Breath taking, stunning and drooling images, believe me you'll probably need a lot of tissues. Oh, I meant that for the guys. Well the game is still in development, probably going to be out in next year.

OK, time for a little break now. Hope you guys have a pleasent time reading. Sorry about the cursing parts, seems like I totally jumped off the edge. Well, my bad >______< *end*

Breakdown!

Due to some technical issues, I won't be posting blog for awhile. Well I'm not even sure for how long. Meantime, I need to figure out how to get RM1k over to repair my computer; need to change the power supply, graphic card, motherboard and processor. Sounds like I have to buy a new computer.

p/s: the time is now 11:51 pm and I'm currently stuck at the cybercafe, it's raining heavily outside~

Forgetting Who?

Another boring Tuesday evening, so I decided to watch a movie with my brother since we had nothing fun to do. We could have online instead, but the connection ping was like uh... crazy. Curse you Screamyx >________< I asked him what movie should we watch and he said something about Marshall. I checked from the album and I told him that I could not find the CD that he asked for. So i handed over the album and he took out a CD with the title "Forgetting Sarah Marshall". Don't blame me. *pointing at the album* The album was totally messed up. Some of them was not in their right cover. Anyway, I had no idea what was the movie all about until I watched some of the scenes.

Synopsis:
"In desperate need of a vacation after being unceremoniously dumped by his TV- star girlfriend, a man travels to a lavish Hawaiian resort to nurse his wounds and forget his heartache, only to discover that his ex and her handsome new boyfriend are currently staying at the exact same island hot spot. Peter Bretter may be just another struggling musician, but for the past six years he's been dating Sarah Marshall, on of the hottest stars on television. Sarah is everything in the world for Peter, so when she kindly but firmly tells him that they should each go their separate ways, he is absolutely devastated. Later, after attempting to salvage his ego by awkwardly attempting to become a womanizer and nearly losing his job because of a nervous breakdown, an emotionally fragile Peter attempts to put the past behind him by escaping to the sun- soaked beaches of Oahu. While at first it seems as if Peter has discovered the perfect prescription of lost love, his plan soon turns to dust when Sarah and her new rock- star boyfriend, Aldous turn up at the exact same resort. Thought accepting Sarah's lavish new lifestyle won't be easy for the crestfallen Peter, the laid- back companionship of flirtatious resort employee Rachel-- not to mention a continuous regimen of fruity cocktails-- goes a long way in mending the wounds of a broken heart."

Seriously, this is a must- watch comedy movie. But it contains sexual content, language and some graphic nudity. So think wisely before watching LOL. Don't say that I did not warn you ^__________^


Yep, I'm off for now. See ya!

Cast: Jason Segel, Kristen Bell, Mila Kunis, Russel Brand, Bill Hader
Director: Nick Stoller
Genres: Romantic comedy, Comedy

911 is not an emergency number, it's a TRAGEDY- Interlude

Finally, the moment I fear most...

"I already made up my mind, sorry but I'm calling this for a quit."

Well, that was it. No matter how hard I try to persuade her that time, she won't budge with her decision. And finally, after 2 years we had been together it's finally comes to an end.

It happened somewhere a week before Hari Raya Aidilfitri. She kept avoiding me, she did not answer my phone call and she did not even reply my message. As usual, I thought she was tired with her work since she was working on night shift. Turned out that I was wrong, she had her own motive.

To be honest, I could not face the fact that she asked for a break up. Well we just met somewhere in July, if I'm not mistaken. We went for a holiday together, it was indeed the sweetest moment in my life. She came to Ipoh for a week, we did so many things together; we went for shopping, watched movie and so on. By the time she had to go back to Johor, I saw her cried on the way to the bus station.

A week after that, we kept talking about how much we both missed each other. I was so happy, and for the first time I asked her when she will be coming to Ipoh again. I changed my eating habits, since she said she would like it better if I managed to gain some weight. I even changed my daily routine, I stopped going out with my friends at night just to keep her accompany everyday. Because I never grow tired listening to her voice every night, or reading all the messages she sent to me. All I did, I tried all my best to make her happy.

On the 2nd night of Hari Raya, I met with my best friend and asked for his help. If I failed to persuade her, I thought my friend could help me to convince her about my feeling. He advised me to give her some time to think it over, and he said if she really love me she would come back to me eventually. Listening to what he said made me relief... for a while.

During the last phone call, she told me she had changed her phone number. Somehow I got the hint that things would get much worse. And when I asked her if she only took this as temporary break up, she said no.

I could not remember how many days I cried, how many days I did not sleep, how many days I shoved away all the food served right in front of me.

I know things won't be like what it used to be. I know there's nothing I could do now, except waiting for her. I don't know how long will it takes, but I will try to wait.

I don't wish for a farewell, I don't wish for a goodbye...

in memory

911 is not an emergency number, it's a TRAGEDY- Epilogue

*This blog was originally from my spaces.live dated November 14. Edit for some error*


" I'm sorry we can't continue on like this.
" Huh?
" I know what I'll have to say next could be hurtful, but could we just be... friend?
" I don't get it. Why?
" ...
" Why? Answer me, please!
" I'm sorry...
" Sorry won't change anything, and you know it.
" Yes I know, therefore I'm sorry.
" ...

There was a long pause, both of us just remain there in silence.
I stared at the wall, seeing nothing but complete blank.
It was too real for a dream, which I knew I was not dreaming at that time.
But I was too stubborn, I thought that this was only a dream; a nightmare and everything would be fine once I woke up.
Too bad, it was not.

" Are you happy with this? Happy that we ended up this way?
" ...
" Talk to me, please.
" I'm sorry, it's impossible for us to continue. Please forgive me.

The answer stabbed deep inside of me.
Don't cry, I can't lose now but tears started to flow and I knew that I had lost.
No matter how hard I tried to make it stop, it just won't.

The story once I promised her would continue has finally comes to an end.
The story once I promised her I would tell her before she goes to sleep, well I'm not sure if there is any left to tell.
But I still remember well how the story started...

October, 2006.
It was more like a net love back then.
Sounds not too promising, yes I would not argue about it.
But even though we never see each other before, both at different places, we knew we were serious.
And when she had to go to the National Service, I was left alone for 3 months.
We could only instant messaging during the weekends, and during those months I felt alone and empty.
Only her messages would kept me accompany and I would read it over and over again.
By the time she was done with the National Service, she made me a promise.
A promise that she would come and find me.
I was scared, I was supposed to be excited when I heard that she was coming all the way for me.
Surprisingly, she felt the same.
It really does not matter to me how she would look like, I knew her heart very well.
And that reason is more than enough for me to keep loving her.

April, 2007.
She came to Ipoh with her friend.
My best friend kept teasing me, and telling me silly jokes about her.
I totally ignored it, why should I listen?
And when we finally met at Jusco, I was completely stunned over there.
I just don't know what to do.
Can I hug her? No, I can't!
In fact, I just stood there looking at her.
Her smile melt me deep down inside.
As we walked inside the mall, we held our hand for the first time.
Nervous and scared, that was what I felt.
We spent 3 days together, and when she was about to leave I was really sad.
I don't know when chances like this would happen again.
Knowing that made me think that I don't want to let her go, though I know she could not stay here for long.
I doubted our relation would work, but it turned out that it was still blooming and I was really happy.
Few months later she told me that she was going to work in Singapore.
It was really tough at first, took me long enough to get used with the situation.
It was more like the time when she had to leave me for the National Service.

October, 2007.
It was our first year of anniversary.
I wished that we could love each other forever and she wished for me the same.
Things were normal until one day, I noticed that she was trying to avoid me for more than a week.
I thought that she was tired with her work, so I told myself not to worry much about it.
But I could not help but to ask when she kept avoiding me.
And then, I got the answers...

Why?
Is desire to be with each other is still not strong enough?
Why people have to decide our fate when we could choose our own?
Why do we have to sacrifice our own happiness for other people's sake?

Why?

I can't afford to lose her, she means everything to me.
But how can I win her back?
The heart once we shared together.
How?
Somebody please tell me how?!

For few days I could not sleep, I'm not sure whether it was just a dream or was it not.
I read all her messages, one by one, over and over again.
I forced myself to smile while reading those, even though I was actually crying.
I kept thinking the days we spent together last time.
How much I miss to kiss her, how much I miss to hug her again.
And I miss hers badly.
She wants me to blame her for what had happened.
To be honest, I don't know whom should I blame.
I blamed myself for not treating her well,
For not being able to fulfill her wishes,
For not being a good boyfriend.
Yes I would put all the blames on myself, there is no doubt about it.

My dear Hui Wern,
I would not think our story has comes to an end.
I would not let it end this way, no I won't.
Please give me some time for me to fix the story, to make it a better ending.
An ending that we both want.
Please wait for me, I would come back to you.
Put all your faith in me, don't ever leave me again.
Don't lie to yourself nor to your heart, be honest.

I love you, and I always will...

Goodbye.

*This blog was originally from my spaces.live dated March 18. Edit for some spelling error*


Have you ever thought what's your life going to end up in the future?

Honestly, I would simply answer myself "No, I can't". You guys would probably give the same answer, no doubt about it.
Unless you're not that kind of average human being, I wonder if that would makes your life easier or worse.

Friends, do you guys have any?
A simple question with many answers.
Most of you, social type of people would say "Yes, I do".
Unlike me, I don't make friends that much.

Sometimes I thought about my schoolmates.
Where are they now?
Are they still studying? Or working?
So far I only thought about what they do, the word Death itself never cross inside my mind.
I wish they would have a good life, but too bad sometimes thing won't be like what you expect it should be.

Vincent Lee,
I wonder how we started knew each other.
Was it when we were in Form One?
Being in the same class, you taught me so many things.
You helped me the most when I need to improve with my English's skill.
You taught me about grammar, all those past tense.
During the recess time, we both talked about Utopia with the other friends.
And during PE Lesson, I could only watch you struggling to play with the others.
When the final bell rang, we sat outside the school's entrance waiting for our parents.
And we both waved ourselves goodbye...



How long has it been now?
Has it been already 10 years?
And when I heard the news that you already gone, I was startled.
To think that you would die at this young age, I just could not believe with what I heard.
Yes, I knew about the pain you had been suffering for years.
But how I wish you would get better in the future.

I'm really sorry,
Sorry that I was not there.
Sorry that I could not make it to your funeral.
I'm sorry that there was nothing I could do.

And for what had happened, it taught me that things won't last forever.
When the time comes, you have to give it back to it's rightful owner.


Dear Vincent,
Thank you for all those memories.
May your soul rest in peace my beloved friend.
Goodbye...

*whispering*

A little info about the crappy author:
The name is Ariff, but i usually go with my nickname sic. Why sic? Don't ask me why, the name just popped out from my head years ago. Maybe it was because at that time I was too obsessed with a band, heck I doubt you would listen to their song. Or maybe it was because I had too many sick since I was little. Sick and sic, hopefully you'll get the idea. I was born in Ipoh on the 25th of February so that would makes me 23 years old now.


Hobby and interest:
Gaming, yeah that's what I do most of the time. I like to explore myself with new online games out there, testing if it's worthy to play or is it simply just wasting your precious time. I defined music as universal, so any kind of genre would be fine to me. Currently addicted listening to J-Rock, Visual Kei, Oshire Kei and Metal bands. I like to hang out with my friends until midnight, trust me couple cup of teh tarik is more than enough for me.


Shout out!:
Yay, finally I have the chance to start blogging again. I would like to thank my new friend, Applist for encouraging me ^_________^ I was totally lost when I started my own account here, no clue about how to start etc. Oh yeah I **** a lot in Html script, duh guess I have to start learning from now on. Hopefully, I would post a lot of blogs here. Last but not least, enjoy reading XD