His true nature.

First of all, I would like to take this opportunity to wish all the Chinese friends/ readers/ bloggers out there a Happy New Year. Cheers! ;D

Xin Nian Kuai Le.

Now, where's my red packet? ;D

It's already too late for that, yes I know. I meant to write this one sooner(yesterday) but I got caught with... err, stuffs -________-

Oh come on now, spare me with that silly excuses of yours again.
What the, I thought you already gone for good. For the love of god, why the heck are you still here?
Aw, don't tell me that you're starting to miss me while I was gone all this time.
Yeah like hell I would, now scram! Unlike you, I've got better things to do.
Tsk, meanie. You're not cute at all. Now it makes sense, why you're not popular among girls.
Oy, cut it out this instant. Just go away will you?! I'll say this loud and clear, I'm totally fine with not being popular!!

That was lame, as always.



Alright then, before I begin, I should at least give you guys a fair, friendly warning. What I'm going to write next is something that I would never do in the past. The contents are probably, matured issues. If you somehow feels like sexually harassed or disgusted by the contents later on, my best advise would be that you stop reading. Don't ever starts trolling or flaming around here, you've been warned earlier.



Why the sudden changes? Hey you can't just keep emo-ing 24/7 right? You need a change of pace once in a while, well that's what I taught.

On the previous post I mentioned that I was having fun with reading, yes? And earlier in this post, the part where I said I got caught with stuffs (scroll up if you missed that one), well it was not exactly an excuse that I purposely made up. It was an absolute truth. Yesterday, during the shift I worked, which I was about to die out of boredom, I stumbled upon an interesting "book".

The moment when I started reading few chapters of the "book", this phrase suddenly (more like automatically) slipped through my mind.


--- OMGWTFBBQ, this is heaaaaveeennn! ---


Ah, maybe I haven't properly explain it to you guys about the reading materials yet have I? It's a manga, yes... manga, and I've been reading them these entire time. I wouldn't proudly call myself an otaku freak, well not much, how about a little? Seriously, there's like an infinite amount of them you can find online out there. Don't know any website to read them? Google is your best friend. About manga, there are lots of categorization, like genres, know what I mean? Romance, horror, bla bla bla and so on. But there are actually more of it(the genres) so I'm not going to tell u guys one by one. Again, Google is your best friend. Anyway, about the manga I discovered yesterday, it's called Doujin Work.

Stop!



Before that, for those who are not really aware of the terms I have(haven't) been using up until now, here are their meanings:

Anime (アニメ) - Commonly defined as animation originating in Japan. The definition sometimes changes depending on the context. In English speaking countries, anime is also referred to as "Japanese animation".
Manga (kanji: 漫画; hiragana: まんが; katakana: マンガ) - Consist of comics and print cartoons (sometimes also called komikku コミック), in the Japanese language.
Otaku (おたく / オタク) - How do you pronounce it; oh-tah-kooh, a Japanese term used to refer to people with obsessive interests, particularly anime, manga, or video games.
Doujin (同人) - A general Japanese term for a group of people or friends who share an interest, activity, hobbies, or achievement. The word is sometimes translated into English as clique, coterie, society, or circle.
Doujinshi (同人誌) - Self-published Japanese works, usually magazines, manga or novels. They are often the work of amateurs, though some professional artists participate as a way to publish material outside the regular industry.


Those are still normal, eh? Now behold, I present you, my favourites!


Harem - Broadly speaking, is a loose subgenre of anime and manga characterized by a protagonist surrounded, usually amorously, by three of more members of the opposite sex. The most common and practically tantamount scenario is a male surrounded by a group of females; when this is reversed it is informally referred to as a reversed harem.

Lolicon (ロリコン) - Also romanized as rorikon, is a Japanese portmanteau of the phrase "Lolita complex". In Japan, the word explains a sexual desire for young girl.

Ecchi (エッチ) - Also romanized as etchi, comes from the Japanese word meaning "lewd", "sexy", "pervert", or "naughty" when used as an adjective, or it can mean to have sexual intercourse when it is used as a verb or noun. The English use of this word is usually used in manga and anime and it is used when the anime or manga has sexual content, such as skimpy clothing or partial or full nudity, but does not show sexual intercourse.

Hentai (変態 or へんたい)- Is a Japanese word that, in the West, is used when referring to sexually explicit or pornographic comics and animation, particularly those of Japanese origin such as anime, manga and computer games. In Japan it can be used to mean "metamorphosis" or "abnormality". The word "hentai" has a negative connotation to the Japanese and is commonly used to mean "sexually perverted". In Japanese the word hentai is a kanji compound of 変 (hen meaning "change" "weird" or "strange") and 態 (tai meaning "attitude" or "appearance"). The term is used as a shortened form of the phrase 変態性欲 (hentai seiyoku), or "sexual perversion". In slang, 変態 (hentai) is used as an insult meaning roughly "pervert" or "weirdo". The term is not often applied to pornography in Japan. Instead, terms such as 18-kin (18禁, literally "18-prohibited") meaning "prohibited to those not yet 18 years old", and seijin manga (成人漫画 "adult manga") are used when referring to pornography. The less offical names Ero Anime (エロアニメ) and Ero Manga (エロ漫画) are also widely used.

...

I see, so you made it this far. Well done.
But from here onwards, you're left with two choices; pick either one.

Situation A:

Woot! Me likey! More, gimme MOARRR!

Welcome aboard, my friend ;D

Oh my sweet chaotic Naze, would you please please please pleeeeaseee remodel me as well?♥♥

Situation B:

Eww, you're gross. I could not believe my very own eyes that you showed me this.

If this kind of thought already reach to the part of your brain by now, please please please stop reading.

Aw, don't you guys think Naze would make a puurfect tsundere character?

 Situation (C?):

Hey wait a second here. If I'm not mistaken, you gave me only two choices. What's with this another route?

Correct, this only happens when you can't make a good judgment.

Should I leave? 

Or should I stay? 

I felt sick when I read this, but why am I still leaving the browser on?

That's cheating, but hey it's allowed. I'm definitely not a Game Master. Either you're still here or not, it's totally up to you. I was merely goofing around with that options/ choices thingy.

OK then...

We shall continue this on the next post.

What the? Are you kidding me? Stop screwing around! You're halfway done, just finish the goddamn post!

Do you have problem with your eyesight, sir? This is ridiculously longer than I had expected.

Yeah right, with those unnecessary spaces and your fugly pictures.

Wow! Who gives you the right to say those things? Take them back, now!

Aaaaand what if I refuse? I can say whatever I like you moron.

You sonnova *beeeeep*! I'm gonna *beeeeep* murder you!

You can always skip those lousy dialogues I tell you, they're lame.

Anyway, that's all for now. Have a pleasant day everyone =D

Start Over.

Well, look what we've got here?

What? *making a face* I can't be here, if that's what you're saying?

Tsk, no you idiot. Did I said you can't be here?

Duh, obviously you sounded like one.

Fine, whatever suits you then.

Seriously, what's with that attitude?

You knows more than I do...

Meaning?

*heavy silence*

Hello! Meaning?!

Obstinate, aren't you?

Yes I am, so?

*heavy silence*

That's it, I've had enough!

My my my, to think that I made you snapped *smirk*.

Why you little...

What are you going to do?

I shall beat you like a pulp, how's that sounds?

Really? You're going that far, just because I teased you a little?

Why wouldn't I? Others would feel the same too.

Oh?

You're really starting to get on my nerves.

I am so enjoying this.

You do? I tell you what, give me one good reason why I shouldn't tear you up before it's too late.

Oh my, having a second thought? This is interesting.

I take it as no, right? Oh yeah I don't have a reason to stop either. 

*evil grin*

You...what's with that look?! You're not going to scare me with that!

*evil grin*

Noooo! Stop giving me that look!

I am you, you are me. We are exactly one.

Wha..what?! *gasp*

I am... the other side of you. Welcome home. *evil laughter*

-ends of monologue-

Enough with the drama, to think that I would actually write and post something here again...
*inhale*
Well I can't exactly express my feeling, that's for sure.
Lame.

So, the last time I posted my thoughts was on the October, 2009. Wow, what have I done during those time I went "missing". A lot, actually. I'll jot it down later if I feels like one.

It's already the last day of 2010. Others going out for a new year countdown while I'm...
Meh, I just got back from work. Done making myself a jug of coffee. Going to play some games until morning. In short, I'll just stick with my routines.

I should have some fun outside, you say? To be honest, I am having fun right now. What's so special about going out for the countdown anyway? Fireworks? Crowded people? You call those interesting?  Not for me. No thanks, I'll pass. I'm not going to waste my fuel for that. It's not getting any cheaper day by day. The day when fuel price is going up, you can say every single thing that is non-related to fuel starts rising as well. So yes, I would rather stay indoor. I don't socialize enough with people you say? Oh pleeeease, spare me.

Well, I'm going to keep this one short (although I wasted few lines already for the intro) so I won't rant that much.

Random thoughts for the new page, here goes-

• Wish I could spend more quality time with my family, and my friends.
• Bear this in mind; I'm not alone where there is El-Bo around, thank you.
• DotA- Thank you for keep on ruining the game with all those imba heroes and items. I wouldn't mind being smack by Deadwood's Bitchslap in HoN rather than Tuskar's Gayrus Punch.
• Having fun reading, and I hope I could find more and more of it.
• Slowly upgrading everything- life and computer.
• I would definitely choose Nymp over Ikaros. [Lost Property of the Sky]
• Having a zombie/the dead fetish? If it's moe enough such as Rea and Yuuko then count me in! [Sankarea, Dusk Maiden of Amnesia]
• I'm starting to be like Otamegane. 2D ftw! [The World God Only Knows]
• Oh hell yes I wouldn't mind getting stalked, abducted and even confined if the person doing all that is Yuno. [Future Diary]
• This is starting to get more and more off topic, since I am drifting further and further away from realities!

That's enough, stop it. You may dismiss.

Can you feel the... intense HORROR?

Lately, I don't have any interest game to play- either online or console, so I decided to mess up my CD album hoping that I would find a game that would interest me enough and finally I found what I have been looking for...

I still remember years back before I owned a PS2, I always urged my friend to lend me theirs so that I could play this one game without knowing the outcome I will get by playing it- Fatal Frame. So as soon I got my own console, I straightly bought all the Fatal Frame's series (there are only total of three series for the PS2 console).

Some information about the series:

Fatal Frame (2001)
After having received no news for over a week, Miku Hinasaki goes into the Himuro Mansion to look for her missing brother, Mafuyu Hinasaki. She finds no trace of her brother, except for her mother's old camera that Mafuyu brought along with him. Realizing that she is now trapped within the mansion, Miku continues searching for her brother and a way out. The game was later ported to the Xbox. The Xbox version included smoother graphics, more costumes, more ghosts and an exclusive "Fatal Mode" that can be unlocked by completing the main game.

Storyline:
"I wonder how long it's been... since my brother and I... began to see things that other people couldn't see..."
―Miku Hinasaki

Nine days have passed since Mafuyu, brother of Miku Hinasaki, had disappeared. It all began about a month ago. The media reported that the famous novelist Junsei Takamine disappeared while gathering research for an upcoming novel. Mafuyu, an aspiring journalist, suspected that something was wrong. Why would his mentor simply vanish into thin air? Mafuyu decided to conduct a private search for his friend, with the investigation eventually leading to the grounds of a secluded mansion. The Himuro Mansion stands silent and imposing deep within the forest. It's said that years ago the mansion belonged to a powerful landowner who had absolute control over the area. But now it's a shadow of its former self, dilapidated and desolate...

As Mafuyu searched the mansion, he found scraps of paper left by Junsei and his staff throughout the mansion. The writings recounted a number of ominous events that happened in the mansion's dark past. Eager to find additional clues within the mansion, Mafuyu rushed in and suddenly realized that he wasn't alone...

Miku came to the Himuro mansion in search of her missing brother. But she had no idea what she was getting into...

- Opening description from the "Fatal Frame" Manual

Fatal Frame II: Crimson Butterfly (2003)
Twin sisters Mio and Mayu Amakura are visiting a childhood play spot, when Mayu follows a mysterious crimson butterfly deep into the forest. Concerned for her twin, Mio follows Mayu and the two girls are led to a lost village. When they reach the village they enter an old house, where they find the Camera Obscura. Mio must uncover the mystery behind the Crimson Sacrifice Ritual whilst chasing her sister, who is becoming increasingly possessed by the evil spirit of Sae, the last girl to be sacrificed. Originally released for the PlayStation 2 in 2003, a Director's Cut edition was later released for the Xbox in 2004. The director's cut added several updates to the gameplay, such as a first-person play mode, a survival mode, a new ending, enhanced graphics, and a greater number of alternate costumes to unlock.

Storyline:
"Didn't we always promise each other... that we would always be together?"
―Mayu Amakura (to Mio Amakura)

Mio and Mayu, twin sisters, are visiting their childhood home. This spot, a secret hideaway for the pair, is due to be swallowed up by a lake come the end of the summer. Lost in her memories, Mio finally raises her head to find that Mayu has vanished. Looking around, Mio spots her sister following a crimson butterfly deep into the forest.

Mayu flees through the forest as if being led on by the fluttering insect. As she runs, her fleeting form begins to be overlaid with that of a woman dressed in white.

Chasing after her sister, Mio suddenly finds herself alone on a foggy mountain road.

Carried on by the wind, a sad song floats towards her ears. Then, she starts to see lights through the gaps in the trees.

As though accepting their unspoken invitation, Mio follows the road of festival lights.

However, when the dense forest opens into a clearing, it is Mayu who is standing there, alone, surrounded by countless crimson butterflies,

"...Mayu?"

Responding to Mio's call, Mayu slowly turns around. The crimson butterflies dance away as one,

"The Lost...Village..."

Spreading there before the twins, crouching in fog and darkness lies a mysterious village...

The vanished village, "All God's Village."

The village is said to have once stood in the forest, deep in the mountains. This forest is soon to be lost due to the creation of a new dam.

The story goes, that on the eve of a special festival, the village suddenly vanished, leaving the forest wreathed in thick fog.

Many also say that should you happen to get lost in this forest, you will be spirited away to the lost village.

The village where the crimson butterflies dance. The village held forever in the grip of a never-ending night.

- Opening description from the "Fatal Frame II: Crimson Butterfly" Manual.

Fatal Frame III: The Tormented (2005)
Released only for the PlayStation 2, the game follows Rei Kurosawa, a 23 year old freelance photographer. While on a freelance assignment taking pictures of a supposedly haunted mansion, the image of her deceased fiance appears in a photograph. Afterwards, Rei begins having strange recurring dreams of an old Japanese manor during a heavy snowfall and observes her fiance entering the house. She follows his figure into the house, where the dream becomes a nightmare.

Storyline:
"I heard this house was haunted...too bad it's not."
―Rei Kurosawa (to Miku Hinasaki)

"Why did I survive?"
This thought has haunted Rei ever since that day... The day she lost her fiance in a car accident - while she was at the wheel.

One day, freelance photographer Rei Kurosawa receives an assignment to shoot pictures at an old Japanese manor. Rumor has it that the manor, situated deep in the mountains and miles from anywhere, is haunted.

During her work that day, Rei sees something inexplicable: her fiance. Yuu Asou. As far as she knows, he is dead. Setting off in pursuit of her dead lover, Rei finds herself wandering deeper and deeper into the ruins of the abandoned mansion.

At the end of a crumbling passageway she turns a corner, and suddenly the scene around her changes. Snow is falling heavily, and reaching out ahead of her are rows and rows of countless gravestones. The scene bears no resemblance to the abandoned house where she has been taking pictures.

"Where am I? What is this place...?"
Afraid and confused, Rei begins her search for Yuu...

- Opening description from the "Fatal Frame III: the Tormented" Manual.

Total story background and history:
Throughout the series, references are made to Kunihiko Aso, a fictitious Japanese "Occultist" that lived during the late nineteenth century. Using western technology, he developed inventions that would allow him and others to make contact with spirits in the "other world."

His inventions include the Camera Obscura, the primary weapon used to defend against ghosts throughout the series, the spirit stone radio, introduced in Fatal Frame II as a means to listen to the thoughts and memories of spirits that had been stored in special crystals, and a projector capable of displaying ghostly images captured on film that motion picture cameras could not see.

According to Fatal Frame III, Aso's various inventions were eventually scattered about Japan and are now heavily sought after by collectors. The Camera Obscura used by Miku in the first game had once belonged to her mother, and Mio finds a different Camera Obscura while exploring the lost village, whilst the camera used in Fatal Frame III was discovered in the ruins of the Kuze Shrine by Kei Amakura.

source: wiki

So, what's basically the game all about? It's a horror game, where you have to survive against ghosts using your camera (Camera Obscura)- the only weapon you have for the game. In order to kill those ghosts, you have to take picture of them. They'll get damage whenever you take a shot. Easy? You wish it's that easy. I did mentioned that camera is the only weapon for your survival right? Well that's not all. Same like a normal camera (not the digital camera), you have to make sure that you have enough film for those shot. And you can't just simply take the shot, else you will ended up wasting those film. Why? You have to make sure that you take the shot when the ghost is REALLY near from you- in the game's term, you need to do the Fatal Frame's shot. And that ghost is not that stupid to just stand still there, doing nothing except cutely posing around and let you take the shot. It moves, and yes they will surely KILL you without any doubt if you think that its harmless. To make it more frustrating, you starts off with a limited amount of film so you have to search everywhere for it. Worst, your analog controller will starts to vibrate like crazy when there is a scene involving ghost (it'll vibrates even wildly when it comes to a story scene).

Anyway, I'm currently playing Fatal Frame III now and I will ONLY play the game during daylight. I don't even dare trying to play the game at midnight, I think I would have surely pee inside my pants or I would have died if I have a heart attack. Funny? Take a look at the cinematic movie below, and if you don't feel a thing by watching it then try beat the game- or just simply play it *evil laugh*. If you beat the game all alone, without even feeling scared... congratulations, you just overcome your own greatest FEAR. As for me, I still turns on the light (even though it's during daylight) ,struggling to finish the game, and keep wishing myself good luck!

.....

*giggles*

How To Safely Rob A Cyber Cafe.

Thank god finally it's time for me to actually writing this entry. I can't remember how many times I've been "harassed" by the customers when I was having my precious lunch awhile ago. They always come to the side of the table(my work spot i.e cashier area) when they were asking for a computer, topped up the time, or when they were going to pay for the computer usage. Why can't they just stand in front? Do I have to spoon feed everything to them? Thanks to them, I lost my appetite. Why can't I even enjoy my lunch, sigh...

To make it even worst, there's a new system for cashier. I have to count total of how many computers are currently being used every 30 minutes. The system is called Daily PC Traffic Tracking Report. Honestly, this is probably the gayest shit I've ever heard. It's definitely a joke, a nuisance, and yeah it's annoying! I was once a full time cashier at another cyber, they don't have this kind of gay system over there. Who came up with this stupid idea anyway? Can't they come up with something more useful, like how to fix the noise pollution here? How to teach retarded kids who were always running, shuffling(glam- shit poser!) inside the cyber? Or at least teach those customers the right way where the cashier area is located, instead of whistling for me from afar. For heaven sake, I only have a pair of eyes! How the heck am I suppose to know what's the number of the computer they're asking me to open?! Geez I wonder how much longer I have to bear, suffering stupid never ending issues like this.

Sometimes, the policemen will "pay a visit" at the cyber. Funny thing is, they will ask you some stupid questions like "Is there any strange event occurs here lately?" etc. Deep down inside I'll answer, "Yes, seeing you coming here and I happens to know what is exactly that you want". By asking you questions, they are actually trying to cover up their motive especially when they notice someone else is working at the counter; me. What they actually want is, some pocket money or in current term we always use now- duit kopi. Their act sometimes despise me. I'm not that really stupid to be fooled with, so I'll eventually come up with an act to piss him off. It's easy though, just act like you can't get the hint. And accompany him while he's talking about some boring issue. In short, play along! He'll leave soon enough. But there are some, in rare cases, they will stay until they get what they want. Sad, huh? Once, they came here with a patrol car. They were asking for the usual, but the other staff here refused to give it to them. He said if you guys came here for the money, straightly ask from the boss. Then they changed their mind, they asked what kind of drinks we had in the refrigerator. We had couple of choices, but the staff lied and said we only had mineral waters for now and they said it was OK. My poor friend had to write a note at the item list; 3 minerals "donated" to the cops. They kind of had simply sold their dignity for 3 bottles of mineral(?!).

It's time to starts counting the sales, which means goodbye for now. After what had happened today, I don't think I have the mood to make my entry looks like an essay anymore. Bye folks =)

Rest. Assured. You. Airhead!

Fancy headline, yeah whatever.

It stands out for RAYA, well Eid ul-Fitr just passed weeks ago. Nothing much happened during those celebration days. I still remember on the 1st of Syawal, my brother and I were on our way to the mosque for Eid prayer and by the time we reached the mosque, we realized that we were already too late. It really surprised me, since it was only around 8.30 in the morning. Last year the prayer started around 9. Thus, we took a corner right after the mosque- we decided to waste our time at the cyber. We met Mok and Pisang on our way there (don't ask me about their names, that's what we've been calling them until now), and Mok insisted all of us to hang out at the playground nearby. According to Mok, that playground had been their official hang-out-spot every 1st of Syawal . Uh that sounds really promising. Later, Jay (he's a new star in the TV3 comedy show Bang Bang Boom!) came over and we talked about how "excited" this Eid going to be. I forgot how many cigarettes we had during the conversation, but one thing for sure- we were so damn thirsty and there was no mamak stall available! Noticing how thirsty we were, not to mention our hunger over food- we decided that it was finally time to go back home. And to my amazement,Odoy passed by with his wife and he gave each of us a "duit raya" after we wished him Eid Mubarak. Whoa that was the first time I got a "duit raya" from a friend :D

At the same night, we had a barbecue session at my granny's house. It was fun since I got to meet my cousins there. We planned to do something different this year- going to the beach and have some fun. The destination was set to Teluk Senangin, somewhere around Lumut. After the session was over, I rushed out to the cyber as usual. I was so happy to see many of my friends were there. Funny thing was, we had to take turns when we were playing DotA since we had more than 10 peoples! After couple of matches, we sat outside and laughed about the funny things happened in the games. I had some tears in my eyes just by laughing. Their jokes really killed me off!

barbecue session; my cousins and their chicken wings

The next day, I woke up at 8 in the morning because we were supposed to depart at 9. To be honest, I was still sleepy at that time. I waited for my cousins to come, since we promised to meet here. God I was so starving, I don't even have the time for breakfast. They reached my house exactly at 9, and we straightly left out for our journey after that. At first, I read some comics that my cousin brought along. He only had 12 of them so it didn't take me long to finish reading it. Next, I found a book (OK I doubt I can finish reading this one since it was so thick!) about Gog and Magog (the other name for Ya'juj and Ma'juj ). I stopped reading the book halfway because some of the context kept repeating on every chapter. The book was actually nice to read, but too bad I was sleepy to fully understand what it was about.

cover from the book about Gog and Magog

We thought that we were almost reached to our destination, when we noticed that we accidentally mistook an intersection to Damar Laut. It was supposed to be Damai Laut, not Damar LOL! No wonder the road was so scary, pro drifters really going to love the deadly corners over there. It took us awhile to turn back into the right direction and once we reach the beach, I gasped by its beauty. The view was simply breath taking! And we made the wise decision to depart early because there were less people at that time. I rushed towards the white sand- oh it felt so good under my feet. The four of us (actually there was five people including me, but the other one was a girl and she didn't bring spare clothes with her) jumped into the water, the wave was quite big so we decided to swim near the shore. I don't know how long we had been floating (seriously, I'm not bluffing!) there but I stopped when I noticed that my hair already felt like a tree branch! We had trouble in changing our clothes, since there were no toilets there. Sweeeeeet! Once we finished, we hit the road looking for a place to eat. So far, the trip to Teluk Senangin was the only different thing I did this year- such a perfect getaway! The rest, bored like every year and I really don't feel like writing it. Anyway, I'm out.

upon arrival


notice that I did not jump- zero essence of youth!


took us awhile to finish the "masterpiece", should have been more artistic there


goodbye Teluk Senangin!

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, Maaf Zahir dan Batin =)




p/s: Sorry if the blog sounds boring to read, out of idea. This post had been edited, pictures were uploaded. Why all of them were black and white? I'm already dark and I don't want to reveal it's color ;p

RandomNESS

I woke up at 5.30pm earlier, noticing there was a text message on my phone; " Don't forget your shift starts at 6 until 10". Jumped out from the bed, I rushed out for a quick bath.



And here I am at my workplace. To be honest, I really enjoy this shift compare to the morning shift that I do every Friday- less customers, which means less kids as well. But there will be some kids playing here somewhere around 8pm until 10pm, heck I don't care. As long it won't be crowded like Friday, it's fine with me.

Hari Raya Aidifiltri is just around the corner. Last year, that was the time when my heart started to bleed. I'm going to be completely honest, it's still heavily bleeding.

Dude, enough. No more. Make it stop!

Yeah right, easy said than done. I know it's stupid to cling with your past up until now but the truth is, this is what I am. I'm just... fragile. I wish I know how to make it stop. Talk about how, I found this article which was written by a girl.

Mending A Broken Heart.
I know this is a much off topic, but I decided to share this to everyone, especially those that can't seem to move on. I've been trying to do these myself, and its pretty much helping me a lot.

So here's the scenario, you gave your HEART to this certain someone. You loved him/her with all your heart. It seems like a never ending happiness for you. Your world revolved around him/her. It's like a fairy tale come true for you. But then it happened..

Suddenly, misunderstanding surfaced. The fairy tale you once thought is slowly becoming your worst nightmare. Your heart twisted as you hear those few hurting words. You sat down speechless while you hear those words from him/her. "I don't love you anymore.."

But don't be sad. I know, you must be really devastated (I'm also speaking this from my personal experience) but your world must not stop revolving around that heart ache. There are a lot of ways to heal a broken heart (though I'm not saying that it's gonna work perfectly..). I'll share with you some tips I learned while mending a broken heart.

1. Don't think about whose fault it was
At one time or another, everyone makes mistakes. Don't worry about it. Sometimes thinking more about whose fault it is only increases your grief or even anger.

2. Put away the memories
If you still have those rings, teddy bears or any gift from him, put it away. Place it in a box and put it in a place where you can rarely see it. The more you see those things, the more you will still remember the pain.

3. Practice being honest with yourself everyday
Let's start the day by asking yourself questions like "Am I still in pain?". If you think that it still hurts, then accept it. Never fool yourself saying that you are now OK.

4. Speak to people
Speak more with your friends. They will always be there for you, so never take them for granted. You can also try out online forums. Sometimes, talking to or knowing that thousands are just like you that undergoes the same pain helps a lot.

5. Go dating
Start dating people and go out. Who knows someone out there can completely heal your pain.

6. Let the time heal
As the cliche goes, time heals all. It may take a month, a year, a decade... but surely time will heal your pain away.

7. Don't forget to smile
This is the most important thing that you must do. Never, ever forget to smile. Smiling makes you feel better and if you gather a few good, close friends and have a laugh together, you'll remember how good life was without him/her and that you're really OK.

So now, you can already move on and smile. Pain what makes us human. It's only a matter of how you can heal it and how fast you can move on.

Credit: toothfairy

And there was a reply from a reader;
The love of my life told me once (If great things were easy everyone would do them) and I believe in it, not everyone is able to step out of a situation easily or move on..Love takes time to heal ....and true love will never heal- flowerKitten

I must admit, flowerKitten do have a point there. Just like she said, true love will never heal. So it's definitely not easy for me to make it stop.



Sometimes I wonder, what makes people to post their blog? My friend, ShadowAngel once said to me that blogging is like a freedom of speech. When it comes to the word "freedom" there, the blog itself could be about anything. And there are variety of ways how to make your blog more interesting. As for me, I like to make it plain yet simple. To make things easier, blogger should be creative about their blog. How about copying, duplicating then? Take this 2 bloggers as example:

This was the entry by its original author; Fauzi Rasull:
Instead of simply taking Wendy Cheng's less than credible word for it, why don't you judge for yourself what kind of person I am by reading my blog? Not that I want your hits. I'm just tired of seeing my name pop up left and right with unfounded rumors and accusations, like that moron that said they saw me at Bugis at a Burger King. I fucking hate Burger King and I've only been to Bugis 3 times in the last year, and I guarantee the last time was more than 3 months ago. And before you ask, I moved my blog and redid a lot of posts. Not because I'm ashamed of what I wrote, but because I wanted to remove photos and references that might cause me to have morons on my front doorstep, or causing problems for the people I live with or my friends. That's worth more to me than my old URL. If you don't like me, then fuck you. You don't have to like me. Just get your facts straight..

And this is the copycat guy; Uri Adam who copied Fauzi's post:
Instead of simply taking Wendy Cheng's less than credible word for it, why don't you judge for yourself what kind of person I am by reading my blog? Not that I want your hits. I'm just tired of seeing my name pop up left and right with unfounded rumors and accusations, like that moron that said they saw me at "KAMPUNG AIR". I fucking hate "KAMPUNG AIR" and I've only been there 3 times in the last year, and I guarantee the last time was more than 3 months ago. And before you ask, Not because I'm ashamed of what I wrote, but because I wanted to remove photos and references that might cause me to have morons on my front doorstep, or causing problems for the people I live with or my friends. That's worth more to me than my old URL. If you don't like me, then fuck you. You don't have to like me. Just get your facts straight..

According to Fauzi, this guy copied seven of his blog. What the hell man?



Defend of the Ancient; DotA for short- That's the only game I'm playing at the cyber now. I used to play CabalSEA, but there were too much bots, money sellers, stupid cash shop that only know how to eat your money(trust me on this one) and worst... hackers. I really miss the time when I played Cabal from Game&Game(this was actually the 1st Cabal that I played before I ended up playing CabalSEA), although it was only beta during those time but I really had a great time there. The players were nice and friendly, unlike those from CabalSEA which keep calling you a NUB for nothing. OK put that Cabal thingy aside and lets move to the original topic; DotA.Those who absolutely clueless about whatever this DotA thing is, it's actually a mod map for Warcraft III. You have two sides; Sentinel and Scourge- 5 players for each side. If you're a Sentinel, then all you have to do is kill any Scourge player you see on the map and try to crush their base. Get any clear picture now? Anyway, I have 4 friends which I usually play together. I'll name them as A,M,N, and O. I always describe them as good players, while I'm always being the opposite one. I'm not that exactly good, average maybe. Well here's the story- couple of days ago we played a match and a friend of mine, Z was replacing for A since we could not contact him through the MSN. In the end, we lost the match. But before the game end, N said "We lost because we don't have a tanker" and M misunderstood what he said because he was using Chaos Knight. N was actually referring it to the Sand King, which was used by Z. Pissed off, M straightly sent me a message at the MSN and blindly cursed N without realizing that N was sitting next to me. He saw the content and replied back to M, cursing as well. There was nothing else I could do, so I went outside for a quick smoke- hoping that things would be OK once I got in, turned out that I was wrong. They both had stop talking to each other until now. I'm trying to blame myself, for not telling M the truth. I was actually sitting in the middle of N and Z. It was just a game, why do we have to argue with each other. It doesn't matter if we win or lose, friendship is all that matter.



I saw an article from the newspaper and it was something about blocking pornography from the Internet. Actually I just noticed the title, didn't read the whole article though. Should we just blame the Internet only? In this era of technology, do you happen to know a gadget which is called... cellphone? From what I see nowadays, even small kids have one and I was like... "Wow I only got one when I was 18 but take a look at this spoiled brat!". Well what you basically need from this tiny little gadget are; bluetooth, MMS and perhaps Wi-Fi function. Once you have those, start turning on your bluetooth and wait for your friend to send you some nice-to-watch 3gp. Once you're done exclaiming over the video, you will start asking your friend where did he/she got it and that person would surely say "I asked my friend bluetooth it to me". You will get the same answer if you ask his/her friend about the video. So who is this person who starts spreading the video out? The same thing goes for MMS. Nobody knows, but what I do know is the Internet isn't the only media we should blame when it comes to pornography issue. It could be a MP4 player, an Ipod, a PSP, a DVD that people easily get fooled with from its cover... anything. Its the people itself who misuse them.



All right, enough craps I'm off back to work.

p/s: Ben, where the hell have you been? We should go out for a drink like usual man =)

Code name: The CLEANER

Uh- "Hello", or should I say "Hi" instead, I'm not even sure. Well that's not something to make a fuss with right? To be honest, my tummy hurts a lot right now. I'm not really that type of person who takes their breakfast every morning on every single day, I'll usually skip it. The reason why, well mainly I'll get stomachache if I eat too early. Yep, that's it- stomachache. So enough about food, shall we? I don't know since when the word "food" itself suddenly becomes a sensitive issue to me, could it be that I gained few weight lately. Bleh!

Well lets see, how long has it been since the last blog I posted here. The last one was dated on the 10th of November 2008. It's not that I don't want to write anything, my brain was like totally blank those time. How I wish I could post the blog like a normal diary, but sadly the juices was not there. A lot of things happened during those time- so much until I hardly remember them. It's a lot better if I come up with a new story instead, rather than wasting my time thinking and thinking what had happened in the past...





I never expect this job would be so annoying in certain ways. You see, I'm doing a part time job at a cyber cafe not too far from where I live every Friday. I don't even know what it's like on the other day but one thing that I'm sure of- GOD I HATE FRIDAY! Most of the customers here are still in school, and they all play the same online game which is Wolf Team. Google it yourself if you have zero idea what's the game all about. Basically, I don't hate the game- I hate those who play it here, seriously. These guys, they come in a pack of- Ho Shit I totally lost the count. It's like counting countless sheep like the one you count before you're going to sleep. And when they start playing, I think they totally lost track how to slow down the volume. And when they start to scream, it gets really frustrating. I don't mean to sound like I'm being racist or anything but some of the Indian customers here always Youtube- ing Tamil songs and this is where another "pollution" starts to spread, they don't know how to play it slowly either. I know I'm in no position to judge your music but why does it has to be so loud? What are they trying to prove actually? Every night I'll usually play Left 4 Dead with my friends here, but we always set the volume high enough for only us to hear. Why can't they do the same thing as well? I don't think I have to approach each one of them and say "Excuse me but would you mind slowing down the volume a bit?". That would be too much don't you think? On top of that, these guys LOVE to leave their messes- things like empty can, junk food, etc on the desk. Worst, they act like nothing happen if their drink spill out on the floor. It's like- a hidden pleasure to them. So my other jobs are picking up trash and mopping the floor when it gets dirty. Honestly, could anyone of you tolerate things like this? When you wants to clean yourself, you know it's time to take a bath. When you are done with eating, you know how to wash your mouth. And when you need to take a shit, you do KNOW how to wipe and clean up your ass when you are done. Basically you are already well equipped with basic, so is it so f***ing hard to clean up your own mess on the desk? I'm hired as a part time cashier here and I do get my salary by the time my shift ends at 6. But those customers don't pay me for that shit, they only pay for the f***ing computer usage! God, what the hell is wrong with people nowadays?!!

Talk about Left 4 Dead, there's this guy with the name Visceral which I admire so much. His skill when playing as Hunter will totally blow off your mind- max pounce damage, insane jump from building to building etc. I couldn't find any exact word how to describe this guy anymore; every moves he made in the game damages my brain cell. In my opinion, he's already way too perfect for the game. Search for "Left 4 Dead Hunter Visceral" at Youtube and you can watch some of his videos there. Here's one of his videos which in 1st person view, and I think I'll stop writing for now. I'm out guys!

Voices from deep down of your thick skull.

Music is beautiful...
Music is an art...



There are many ways how to define music. Well from my point of view, I could not find any proper word to describe about my enthusiasm in music. They're somehow... addicting, but my interest in certain genre of music won't last that long. My ears would get bored listening to the same kind of music eventually.

So, this is the lucky band that I would pick for now. I doubt you guys would say "ZOMG I really love this song", or "Yay another song that I would upload in my Ipod" etc. Mostly because when it comes to giving this band a score, people who dislike this kind of genre would probably give zero for their appearance, vocals, and the music itself. I won't give the band a perfect score either, since there are lots of other good bands out there.

Here are some information about the band:

Phantasmagoria
Origin: Osaka, Japan
Genre: Visual Kei
Labels: Under Code Production
Associated Act: Chariots, Attic
Members: Riku(vocal), Jun(guitarist), Iori(guitarist), Kisaki(bass), Matoi(drums)

And here is the PV that I would like to share with you readers.
Warning: Get ready to get some serious, major headache, dizziness, nausea etc.


p/s: This post has been edited, I replaced the old video with a new one.

What am I?

I am worthless.
I am not worthy of having anyone.
I am not wanted by anything or anyone.
I am alone.
People treat me like ****, they take what they want from me and go- "sorry I have to go, sorry I have to meet someone". But it all boils down to the fact that people are leaving, and not returning. So i sit here, alone. Alone I sit, once again. One single stray emotion on this lonely night opens the flood gates as this tidal waves of pleading tears flow from these orbs. Inevitable silence rings off these solitary walls. The gentle whisper of tears hitting the floor beneath me is the only sound, except for the ringing of your voice in my head which is my only comfort, and my biggest fear. Watching all the happy moments abandon me like every human has done. Nobody wants me in their life, they don't care about me.
I am not wanted.
I am not needed.
I am used.
I am hated.
But most of all, I am alone.


I am ugly.
I am not good looking.
I am not happy.
I am cruel.
I am lost and cold, forsaken.
I am piece of worthless ****.
Nobody wants or needs to be with or around me in their life for I don't provide enough.
I am not good friend.
I am not a good person.
I am not a good boyfriend.
I am a moron.
I am a child.
I am lost and tired.
I am drained and abandoned.
I am not anyone's dream, fantasy, or lover.
I would not make a good spouse, I would not make a good friend.
I am sincere.


I am a burden.






... I started this at midnight, with cigarette smoke choking my skin and the outside air clogging out my cold lungs.
The damp floor stole my seat, so I just stood in the dark looking up.
I decided that I write too much, words are slug coloured and pressed inside paper.


It is now 03:46.

Truth to be told...

*cough cough*

Hell last month could probably be the worst month ever; trust me when I mentioned about the word "worst". A lot of things happened, and god some of them really screwed me up.

First, the break up thingy. Honestly, my condition is still far away from uh how should I put this... recovering state? Sad, hopeless, depressed, agony, anger, betrayed, regret- all these mixed up feelings really hit me pretty bad. How long has it already been now, a month? And for how long should I continue on suffering this painful feelings? I have zero idea but seriously I kept thinking about the past. I know I should have let go of the past and starts a new one, but that's not really quite an easy task for me. Sometimes I feel like I'm already tired playing the good-guy-part; I forced myself to remember every single thing even the tiny little mushy stuff, I did all the comforting when actually I was the one who need to be comforted, I kept on apologizing even though it was not actually my fault, I tried to fix things up no matter how difficult it was for me but I refused to give up etc. In other word, I'm tired with all of these. It's like I'm the only one who have to do all the jobs with all my efforts, while the other side uh well I don't know what's the person is actually doing. Sit back, relax and enjoying the show, waiting to be pat on the head? It's not true, right? Wait a minute, that could be true...is it? Seriously I just don't know what to think anymore. What I'm totally 100 percent sure is, I'm tired. People will change, I think I get what it means. But changing for no reason, I think it's load of craps. Well there should be something that motivates you, a reason that makes you decide it's finally time for a change, right? Getting dumped with some silly reasons, totally clueless with what happened, and I was nicely asked to keep all those memories. Oh yeah I'm such a paper bag that when you're already done toying with me you could simply toss me inside the waste basket and recycle me back. Hell no!

Dude chill out you really should let things go, don't you? She dumped you, it's over now. Plus you don't seems to lose anything, if you get what I just said.

Buzz off! I never toy with her heart, not even once. Why do I still care about this? Because for **** sake I'm serious with what I did. Retarded you say? Yeah just call me whatever you want, I don't give a damn care about it. I just don't want her to spoils herself, ended up being like those sluts,whores, bitches out there!

So I guess she still owes me a proper explanation...


Secondly, about my computer. It has been already near 2 weeks, yet until now there's still no call from the shop. I claimed the warranty for my motherboard and processor because both of them are technically down. Again, waiting and waiting. Pathetic! How did I wrote this blog then, you asked? Well I'm using my brother's laptop now, and duh it really feels different. I don't know how should I put this, it just don't feel right. Honestly, I don't like sharing things with other people. But between me and my brother, there's no secret between us. But when it comes to privacy, everyone has their own, that would make me and him on the list too. The same thing when it comes to computer usage. You guys have your own, he has his own, and I have mine. It could be pictures, songs, videos, works, adult stuffs etc. Pervert? No, I'm not. I'm just stating out the fact because I'm normal. And I honestly believe you too, are normal. So if you starting to make a topic like "Euw that's gross", yeah I think I understand that. Wait, I don't. Keep on lying because in the end you just defying yourself. Oh how I miss to play online game, blogging, and chatting with friends so much. There are many upcoming new games next year and all of them looks promising to be try out. Well it depends either it's going to be pay to play, buy to play, or free to play. If it's free, then yep I'm definitely going to play. Well I'm quite addicted with gaming, and I don't see any wrong with that. I'll put some pictures about the game I'm currently playing and the one I'm waiting later on. Lastly, I need to train for an upcoming Defence of the Ancient ( it's DotA, for short) mini tournament next week and I'm struggling to catch up with my friends playing skills. Means that I have to spend more and more cash at the cybercafe, bummer!

Game: Kagero 2; Dark Illusion
Comment: It's not an online game, a PlayStation 2 console game actually. You play as Alicia, a trap mistress. Yes when I said trap, you'll be using traps to kill your opponent. You need to be creative in positioning all those traps in a room (you can only set up max to 3 traps at a time). Certain rooms have their own special traps that you need to trigger it, but beware you could probably be the special traps' victim too! The more combos you make, the more money you'll make from killing. Addicting game, I must say.



Game: Warcraft, Defence of the Ancient (DotA)
Comment: Common game nowadays, I think. I could see almost everyone playing the game at the cyber cafes, well I'm not sure about the girls though.



Game: S4 League
Comment: MMOFPS game, similar to Gunz Online except it's more stylish! And yeah more creative way how to pawn your opponents. Variety of equipments for you to customize your own character, but sad most of them are cash shop items.



Game: League of Legends, Clash of Fates
Comment: From the mastermind of DotA! Beta sign up is in process, a must try for DotA fan. I wonder how the game works actually, zero idea. Could not find any gameplay movie for the game.



Game: Blade and Soul
Comment: The same character designer from the game Magna Carta: Tears of Blood! Breath taking, stunning and drooling images, believe me you'll probably need a lot of tissues. Oh, I meant that for the guys. Well the game is still in development, probably going to be out in next year.

OK, time for a little break now. Hope you guys have a pleasent time reading. Sorry about the cursing parts, seems like I totally jumped off the edge. Well, my bad >______< *end*

Breakdown!

Due to some technical issues, I won't be posting blog for awhile. Well I'm not even sure for how long. Meantime, I need to figure out how to get RM1k over to repair my computer; need to change the power supply, graphic card, motherboard and processor. Sounds like I have to buy a new computer.

p/s: the time is now 11:51 pm and I'm currently stuck at the cybercafe, it's raining heavily outside~

Forgetting Who?

Another boring Tuesday evening, so I decided to watch a movie with my brother since we had nothing fun to do. We could have online instead, but the connection ping was like uh... crazy. Curse you Screamyx >________< I asked him what movie should we watch and he said something about Marshall. I checked from the album and I told him that I could not find the CD that he asked for. So i handed over the album and he took out a CD with the title "Forgetting Sarah Marshall". Don't blame me. *pointing at the album* The album was totally messed up. Some of them was not in their right cover. Anyway, I had no idea what was the movie all about until I watched some of the scenes.

Synopsis:
"In desperate need of a vacation after being unceremoniously dumped by his TV- star girlfriend, a man travels to a lavish Hawaiian resort to nurse his wounds and forget his heartache, only to discover that his ex and her handsome new boyfriend are currently staying at the exact same island hot spot. Peter Bretter may be just another struggling musician, but for the past six years he's been dating Sarah Marshall, on of the hottest stars on television. Sarah is everything in the world for Peter, so when she kindly but firmly tells him that they should each go their separate ways, he is absolutely devastated. Later, after attempting to salvage his ego by awkwardly attempting to become a womanizer and nearly losing his job because of a nervous breakdown, an emotionally fragile Peter attempts to put the past behind him by escaping to the sun- soaked beaches of Oahu. While at first it seems as if Peter has discovered the perfect prescription of lost love, his plan soon turns to dust when Sarah and her new rock- star boyfriend, Aldous turn up at the exact same resort. Thought accepting Sarah's lavish new lifestyle won't be easy for the crestfallen Peter, the laid- back companionship of flirtatious resort employee Rachel-- not to mention a continuous regimen of fruity cocktails-- goes a long way in mending the wounds of a broken heart."

Seriously, this is a must- watch comedy movie. But it contains sexual content, language and some graphic nudity. So think wisely before watching LOL. Don't say that I did not warn you ^__________^


Yep, I'm off for now. See ya!

Cast: Jason Segel, Kristen Bell, Mila Kunis, Russel Brand, Bill Hader
Director: Nick Stoller
Genres: Romantic comedy, Comedy

911 is not an emergency number, it's a TRAGEDY- Interlude

Finally, the moment I fear most...

"I already made up my mind, sorry but I'm calling this for a quit."

Well, that was it. No matter how hard I try to persuade her that time, she won't budge with her decision. And finally, after 2 years we had been together it's finally comes to an end.

It happened somewhere a week before Hari Raya Aidilfitri. She kept avoiding me, she did not answer my phone call and she did not even reply my message. As usual, I thought she was tired with her work since she was working on night shift. Turned out that I was wrong, she had her own motive.

To be honest, I could not face the fact that she asked for a break up. Well we just met somewhere in July, if I'm not mistaken. We went for a holiday together, it was indeed the sweetest moment in my life. She came to Ipoh for a week, we did so many things together; we went for shopping, watched movie and so on. By the time she had to go back to Johor, I saw her cried on the way to the bus station.

A week after that, we kept talking about how much we both missed each other. I was so happy, and for the first time I asked her when she will be coming to Ipoh again. I changed my eating habits, since she said she would like it better if I managed to gain some weight. I even changed my daily routine, I stopped going out with my friends at night just to keep her accompany everyday. Because I never grow tired listening to her voice every night, or reading all the messages she sent to me. All I did, I tried all my best to make her happy.

On the 2nd night of Hari Raya, I met with my best friend and asked for his help. If I failed to persuade her, I thought my friend could help me to convince her about my feeling. He advised me to give her some time to think it over, and he said if she really love me she would come back to me eventually. Listening to what he said made me relief... for a while.

During the last phone call, she told me she had changed her phone number. Somehow I got the hint that things would get much worse. And when I asked her if she only took this as temporary break up, she said no.

I could not remember how many days I cried, how many days I did not sleep, how many days I shoved away all the food served right in front of me.

I know things won't be like what it used to be. I know there's nothing I could do now, except waiting for her. I don't know how long will it takes, but I will try to wait.

I don't wish for a farewell, I don't wish for a goodbye...

in memory

911 is not an emergency number, it's a TRAGEDY- Epilogue

*This blog was originally from my spaces.live dated November 14. Edit for some error*


" I'm sorry we can't continue on like this.
" Huh?
" I know what I'll have to say next could be hurtful, but could we just be... friend?
" I don't get it. Why?
" ...
" Why? Answer me, please!
" I'm sorry...
" Sorry won't change anything, and you know it.
" Yes I know, therefore I'm sorry.
" ...

There was a long pause, both of us just remain there in silence.
I stared at the wall, seeing nothing but complete blank.
It was too real for a dream, which I knew I was not dreaming at that time.
But I was too stubborn, I thought that this was only a dream; a nightmare and everything would be fine once I woke up.
Too bad, it was not.

" Are you happy with this? Happy that we ended up this way?
" ...
" Talk to me, please.
" I'm sorry, it's impossible for us to continue. Please forgive me.

The answer stabbed deep inside of me.
Don't cry, I can't lose now but tears started to flow and I knew that I had lost.
No matter how hard I tried to make it stop, it just won't.

The story once I promised her would continue has finally comes to an end.
The story once I promised her I would tell her before she goes to sleep, well I'm not sure if there is any left to tell.
But I still remember well how the story started...

October, 2006.
It was more like a net love back then.
Sounds not too promising, yes I would not argue about it.
But even though we never see each other before, both at different places, we knew we were serious.
And when she had to go to the National Service, I was left alone for 3 months.
We could only instant messaging during the weekends, and during those months I felt alone and empty.
Only her messages would kept me accompany and I would read it over and over again.
By the time she was done with the National Service, she made me a promise.
A promise that she would come and find me.
I was scared, I was supposed to be excited when I heard that she was coming all the way for me.
Surprisingly, she felt the same.
It really does not matter to me how she would look like, I knew her heart very well.
And that reason is more than enough for me to keep loving her.

April, 2007.
She came to Ipoh with her friend.
My best friend kept teasing me, and telling me silly jokes about her.
I totally ignored it, why should I listen?
And when we finally met at Jusco, I was completely stunned over there.
I just don't know what to do.
Can I hug her? No, I can't!
In fact, I just stood there looking at her.
Her smile melt me deep down inside.
As we walked inside the mall, we held our hand for the first time.
Nervous and scared, that was what I felt.
We spent 3 days together, and when she was about to leave I was really sad.
I don't know when chances like this would happen again.
Knowing that made me think that I don't want to let her go, though I know she could not stay here for long.
I doubted our relation would work, but it turned out that it was still blooming and I was really happy.
Few months later she told me that she was going to work in Singapore.
It was really tough at first, took me long enough to get used with the situation.
It was more like the time when she had to leave me for the National Service.

October, 2007.
It was our first year of anniversary.
I wished that we could love each other forever and she wished for me the same.
Things were normal until one day, I noticed that she was trying to avoid me for more than a week.
I thought that she was tired with her work, so I told myself not to worry much about it.
But I could not help but to ask when she kept avoiding me.
And then, I got the answers...

Why?
Is desire to be with each other is still not strong enough?
Why people have to decide our fate when we could choose our own?
Why do we have to sacrifice our own happiness for other people's sake?

Why?

I can't afford to lose her, she means everything to me.
But how can I win her back?
The heart once we shared together.
How?
Somebody please tell me how?!

For few days I could not sleep, I'm not sure whether it was just a dream or was it not.
I read all her messages, one by one, over and over again.
I forced myself to smile while reading those, even though I was actually crying.
I kept thinking the days we spent together last time.
How much I miss to kiss her, how much I miss to hug her again.
And I miss hers badly.
She wants me to blame her for what had happened.
To be honest, I don't know whom should I blame.
I blamed myself for not treating her well,
For not being able to fulfill her wishes,
For not being a good boyfriend.
Yes I would put all the blames on myself, there is no doubt about it.

My dear Hui Wern,
I would not think our story has comes to an end.
I would not let it end this way, no I won't.
Please give me some time for me to fix the story, to make it a better ending.
An ending that we both want.
Please wait for me, I would come back to you.
Put all your faith in me, don't ever leave me again.
Don't lie to yourself nor to your heart, be honest.

I love you, and I always will...

Goodbye.

*This blog was originally from my spaces.live dated March 18. Edit for some spelling error*


Have you ever thought what's your life going to end up in the future?

Honestly, I would simply answer myself "No, I can't". You guys would probably give the same answer, no doubt about it.
Unless you're not that kind of average human being, I wonder if that would makes your life easier or worse.

Friends, do you guys have any?
A simple question with many answers.
Most of you, social type of people would say "Yes, I do".
Unlike me, I don't make friends that much.

Sometimes I thought about my schoolmates.
Where are they now?
Are they still studying? Or working?
So far I only thought about what they do, the word Death itself never cross inside my mind.
I wish they would have a good life, but too bad sometimes thing won't be like what you expect it should be.

Vincent Lee,
I wonder how we started knew each other.
Was it when we were in Form One?
Being in the same class, you taught me so many things.
You helped me the most when I need to improve with my English's skill.
You taught me about grammar, all those past tense.
During the recess time, we both talked about Utopia with the other friends.
And during PE Lesson, I could only watch you struggling to play with the others.
When the final bell rang, we sat outside the school's entrance waiting for our parents.
And we both waved ourselves goodbye...



How long has it been now?
Has it been already 10 years?
And when I heard the news that you already gone, I was startled.
To think that you would die at this young age, I just could not believe with what I heard.
Yes, I knew about the pain you had been suffering for years.
But how I wish you would get better in the future.

I'm really sorry,
Sorry that I was not there.
Sorry that I could not make it to your funeral.
I'm sorry that there was nothing I could do.

And for what had happened, it taught me that things won't last forever.
When the time comes, you have to give it back to it's rightful owner.


Dear Vincent,
Thank you for all those memories.
May your soul rest in peace my beloved friend.
Goodbye...